I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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