What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
