Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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