I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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