I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
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He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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