in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
