The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
