Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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