can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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