Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
