it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
