He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
