dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
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Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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