I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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