My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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