I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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