I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
