woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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