Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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