If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
