it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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