I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
