i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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