i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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