I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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