she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
