I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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