he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
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Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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