I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
