in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
