can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
there is glitter all over my balls
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
