Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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