Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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