do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
