Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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