I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
