So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
