I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
it was like eating out sand paper
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
