I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What a dumb baby whore.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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