how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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