Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
