the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
