I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
