My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
