nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
