youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
