Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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