I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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