Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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