I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
