At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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