i wish my penis had a tongue
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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