we have officially lost it.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
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I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
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I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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