Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
