absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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