I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
