i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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